I Once Was…..
By Sonny Cruz #MYTOXICLIFE
I once was a sinner
I once was a saint
I once was a youngster
Who huffed on clear paint
I once was a blind man
Who wished I could see
Cartoons in rainbows
So I took L.S.D.
I once had a vision
And once had a dream
I once sniffed a powder
That sparkled and gleamed
I once had a purpose
I once had a life
I once stabbed all that loved me
With an invisible knife
I once had a future
And boy did I shine
while I traded my innocence
For a bag called a dime
It said it would help me
To become a strong man
Fulfill all of my dreams
If I drink from the can
So I followed with out question
Not even a concern
I got lost in the party
And I danced and I squirmed
“What’s the big deal I said
It’s only a plant
It even says in the bible
That God gave us that ”
Don’t tell me I’m broken
When I’m just finding my way
Through torrents of emotions
It’s the price of hooray!
I know that you love me
But I’m just having some fun
Don’t shackle me with your morals
I was born to run!
So I ran with a vengeance
To party with flare
Attracting a dark conscience
That kept me unaware
The deals I kept making
would get harder to achieve
I would have to drink more tonic
And smash rocks in my weed
In a room full of people
I felt so alone
But if spark up a fatty
I am instantly home
It doesn’t take much courage
To exhale a cloud of smoke
But try making friends when you’re sober
And trust me you’ll choke
So I listen to your stories
And learn what is cool
I wear the right outfit
And I make my own rules
I think I am winning
And on the Right track
But that hook in my belly keeps
Keeps dragging me back
Up through the mountains
Then down in the plains
I’m clawing and scratching
To escape from this pain
But nothing is working
Not even ten lines
Blue smoke off a foil
pill bottles and wine
Can you help me I’m falling
I need one more hit
I’m not scared of your’e needle
Just give it to me quick
I’m so far from where I started
And how did I get here
Alone in a cold basement
And I’m shaking in fear
There is no hope for tomorrow
So I make plans for my end
Welcome to America
Where we die making friends…..
S.Cruz ……2017
Hello, My Name is Sonny. I have lived through 5 drug overdoses and three heart attacks and have faced suicide twice. I fell in love with a substance that promised me everything that I was not and initially it worked magnificently. My first overdose came at 16 but it did not curb my appetite for stranger and stronger drugs. Every time I came through a rough situation I became more and more invincible and willing to try anything offered to me. The 12 years I spent as a drug addict has had long lasting effects both physically and psychologically. At times I suffer from debilitating depression and have to fight the thoughts of suicide off on a consistent basis. You would think that after 15 years of sobriety that I would be completely fine and past all the horrors of my life in addiction, but sadly you would be wrong. I write words of hope to keep myself from using or ending my life when I am in full blown relapse mode. The poem above is one of those times I was suffering way passed the point of exhaustion. And if those words had the ability to keep me sober for one more day then maybe someone else will read them and have the chance to live for one more day as well. I live so that others may find hope and live as well.
Recovery is possible even for the impossible head cases like me.