Addiction Was Messy. After Prison, I Learned to Love and Accept My Sober Self.

Addiction Was Messy. After Prison, I Learned to Love and Accept My Sober Self.

Before drugs I was involved in every sport. I was active, free spirited, and an A+ honors student. I used drugs because I was bored and it was a way to escape. I didn’t want to feel. I escaped ALL feelings; good and bad. A vicious cycle of a nasty disease.

I craved that drug, did anything and everything for that drug. I was a slave to that drug. I even put my own daughter in harm for that drug. It took me a long time to be able to tell my story without breaking down in tears. When you no longer cry, but have hope, you know you have healed.

I was trying to become sober for all the wrong reasons. My mom, my daughter, my job, fear of going to jail or prison, fear of being a convicted felon. I did not want to quit and I tried to convince myself that I did. Prison gave me a whole new view on life. It opened my eyes to how precious freedom really is. I remember sitting in the back of a paddy wagon watching people drive freely while I was handcuffed.

Denial couldn’t even begin to describe how I acted and talked the first couple months in jail. I was delirious. I still didn’t think I had that much of a drug problem. “I wasn’t as bad as others” I started to compare and that was my first mistake. I stayed in the darkness for quiet awhile in prison. I didn’t speak of what I was really feeling, I just knew I didn’t wanna be in prison. Days and months went by and slowly as the fog cleared and my brain began functioning without drugs again I started to see how amazing life and sobriety really was.

Recovery is a daily struggle no matter where you are. Even while incarcerated I chose to make every day a great day. I didn’t mind being in prison after a while except for not being able to be with my family and daughter. Prison took me away from all the bullshit. All the people places and things I needed to be taken away from anyway. Lord knew at the time I was not able to stay away from them on my own. What some people may see as a lengthy sentence for possession of residue of a narcotic, heroin, others may say it wasn’t long enough.

I got 18 months to sit and think about what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I have been out of prison a year and a half already. Ive paid off three credit card debts and I pay my bills on time. Granted I live pay check to pay check, but I know I cannot run from my debt anymore. If I truly want to put my drug use and all the things that came with it in the past, I must bring them into the light and face them. You have the power to say, this is NOT how my story will end. Today I have a future ahead of me. I survived what is killing so many people today.

I pray for those still struggle and I wish to give hope. I have an amazing, loving family that never left my side, even with all the hell I brought them thru, they have shown me true, unconditional love. My past does not define me, it only strengthens me.

I have two beautiful daughters that are my pride and joy. Any bad day can be brightened and turned around by seeing and being with my two blessed miracles. 3 years ago an accident and a drug that should have killed me, has made me a determined, optimistic, caring advocate for the fight against heroin and other drugs. I am not afraid of my truth anymore. I will not omit pieces of myself to make anyone feel comfortable.

Love me for who I am, or not at all. Decide if you are part of my history or part of my future. I may not be able to change anyone but myself, but I will share my story in hopes that I may touch the hearts and lives of anyone who may desperately need to hear…. WE DO RECOVER.