Eulogy of Childhood Memories

You picked me out of a line
Not knowing what was in store
You chose me and accepted me
Like an eagle one day I would soar

I was born on November 3, 1983 in Claremont, New Hampshire. By the time I was three years old, I was taken away from my biological mother by the State because of her drug addiction.

I remember seeing my sister sitting on the floor playing with her dollhouse. There was a knot in my stomach, a strong yearning that something was wrong. I punched her dollhouse and started crying hysterically.

  • Mommy left again.
  • Mommy wasn’t coming back.
  • This world was already so unfair for someone so young.

This moment began building the foundation for how I would live my life for many years to come. There was a yearning that drove me to insanity.

Shortly after this, the Department of Children, Youth and Families (DCYF) was contacted and my sister was taken from my mother for a finding of child neglect. Once my sister was taken away, a strange woman notified my mother of a phone call she had just received. My mother ran out of the house screaming and crying. A few weeks later, I was in the same foster home that my sister was in.

Although I was placed in the care of a loving and embracing family, I couldn’t feel the love that they shared. I hadn’t the slightest idea what this meant, nor could I anticipate the amazing blessings that would unfold as a result. I also had no idea at the time that these childhood memories were the beginning of an umbrella of self-pity and hatred I would live under for more than 20 years.

I was so confused. I began to act out – stealing things, setting fires, and assaulting other kids. Invariably, I was in trouble at school and was transferred to the Special Education Program (SPED) for my violent and unpredictable behavior.

I never stopped to consider the ramifications of my actions on others; I was solely concerned with finding relief for myself.

At the age of 12, I was placed in my first out of three group homes, where I learned a host of compounding and accelerating behaviors and adaptations that allowed me to hide from and get relief from my internal suffering. This is when I found my first love: drugs and alcohol. I began using and abusing everything I could get my hands on. Soon enough, my adoptive mother threw me out of her home halfway through my senior year of high school. For the next seven years, I lived a life of homelessness, incarceration, and daily suicidal thoughts. Prison happened to be the safe haven wherein I started to build a meaning for life.

On August 23rd, 2007, I was released from prison for convictions of burglary – all of my criminal activities supported my drug habits. That day was one of the most terrifying days of my existence. I was headed for a long-term therapeutic, community-modeled treatment center with little to no hope that it would work. My self-esteem was non-existent. I had succumbed to the idea that I was a worthless drug addict who would never obtain a reputation greater than being a thief, a liar, a junkie, and a failure. Around 8 months into my stay at this State funded treatment center, I hit bottom. My bottom was one of emotional exhaustion. It was over for me. The only solution that I could come up with was to take my life. It was in that moment of hopelessness that I found strength to surrender the rest of my life to something greater.

I commenced my journey towards transformation and coaching that same year. I obtained my Masters Degree in Social Work from the University of New Hampshire, counseling runaway homeless youth and their loved ones. By devoting myself to deep, introspective work, I was able to produce real change in myself, and to help others overcome their limiting beliefs and reactions. For over 10 years, I have continued to study various transformational works, spiritual teachings and practices, philosophy, therapy, and interpersonal relations. A lifelong vocation manifested in me because of my experience, to help others seek their truth and find their true purpose.

Since I was 18 years old (16 years ago), I’ve longed to write a book to share my story with the world. Each time I would think about beginning the process of doing so, I would become engulfed with fear. Not only did I face the stereotype and stigma surrounding my drug addiction, I was a convict and a ward of the State. In 2016, I moved to Austin, Texas with my wife to take a job working as a counselor at a treatment center. Discontented with the work, I knew that the Universe wanted, expected, and needed more from me. I needed to be a voice for those that had yet to find theirs. After another transformational workshop and some discussion with some of my recovery peers, I made the declaration that I was going to share my story with the world.

The process of writing Eulogy of Childhood Memories was one of the most difficult tasks I had ever taken on. Several times while sharing traumatic moments or discussing shameful acts, I had to step away from the writing process. Each time I wanted to quit, I was reminded of all those yet to find their voice who I would speak to and for. The Universe seemed to present the people who I needed assistance from along my path and everything unfolded for Eulogy of Childhood Memories to release on November 15th, 2017.

Eulogy of Childhood Memories was created to touch the lives of all of those who have ever wanted to give up, all of those who have struggled with substance abuse disorders, all of those in the Foster Care system, and to provide prospective to all of those who are unable to understand the thought processes of a person addicted to drugs and alcohol. A percentage of all profits from the sale of this book will be donated to providing treatment to those who cannot afford it and to fill gaps in advocacy work.