I Broke My Back and Lost My Way in Addiction. Music Gave Me A Path To Recovery.

I’d like to say that my substance use derived from a rough childhood, but that simply is not the case. I grew up in Amherst, Ohio (just west of Cleveland) and my childhood was perfect. My mother and father instilled in me strong morals and values from a very early age. My younger brother and I were set up with every opportunity to succeed in this world. We were taught the importance of good grades and the necessity for respecting those we surrounded ourselves with.

I found success in the classroom, and I found an even greater amount of achievement on the baseball field. This quickly became who I identified myself as: Logan The Baseball Player. From the ages of 6-18 I used baseball to determine my levels of confidence, happiness, and even my self-worth. Since I was pretty good at the sport, this sufficed for a few years of my life.

However, once I entered high-school I realized I did not truly know who I was. I was a quiet young man that only truly became comfortable while I was on the diamond. Outside of baseball I was not confident in any part of life. Whether it be talking to girls, socializing, or even being by myself…I was not okay. Then I drank. When I drank I found everything else that baseball couldn’t provide. I embraced drinking like a long lost friend that I had been missing my whole life. I could suddenly be the person I though I was supposed to be. I could finally fully act the part of the stand-out high-school athlete.

To make a long story short, my drinking and drugging stayed casual until I graduated high-school. I received a scholarship to play college baseball, which was what I had been working for pretty much my entire life. A month into my first semester at college I quit that scholarship. From the second my parents drove off the campus after dropping their oldest son off to college for the first time, I drank. I drank for a month straight until I physically and mentally could not even attend the fall baseball practices. I was completely lost.

“Logan The Baseball Player” was no more, and I had no idea who I was as a person. I continued to drink nearly every day for 3 years in college. After a few run-ins with the law and countless blackouts over those 3 years, I had a seizure August 8th of 2011. During that seizure I fractured 3 vertebra in my back and the seizure was clearly from an alcohol withdrawal. I had known for probably the last two years of college that I had a problem with alcohol, but never thought I would actually need help with it. After all, I still maintained a decent GPA throughout my 3 years of school (which was helped by the ADD medication I stole from my girlfriend at the time).

I was 21 years old laying in a hospital bed with an obvious drug/alcohol problem, a broken back, and prescription of pain killers. I had fallen a long way from the collegiate athlete and high-school baseball star. My self-esteem was at an all time low. Despite breaking my back and a DUI a few months later, I struggled for 5 more years. I would get some clean time but then go back out to the misery that I have become all too familiar with.

In one of my treatment stays, I brought my guitar. I began writing and messing around with song ideas since I had nothing better to do during my free time for 30 days. At first I would only play and sing by myself because I was not confident enough to put myself out there like that without the help of drugs and alcohol. One day I mustered the courage to sing a song a wrote for a group of people I was in treatment with. By the time I was done, everyone in the room was crying. From then on I was asked to play every single day until I was comfortable enough to perform without being forced to.

This was in 2013. For years I half-heartedly attempted to chase down my newfound purpose. My dream is to be a musician that can show the entire world that no matter what hardships are put in front of us, we can overcome them. The only obstacle that I have found after seriously giving 100% effort to be a professional singer/songwriter is going through the uncomfortable feelings of putting myself out there. However, every time I have pushed myself to fight through the uncomfortability, I feel so much better about myself. Through recovery and music, I have learned to finally believe in myself and my abilities as a person and as a musician. If I can do it, anyone can do it. Keep fighting, find what you love to do, and shoot for the stars.

Here is a link to one of my favorite songs. It is called “Shallow Waves”. It is written as if my father wrote me a letter talking to me about my addiction. Enjoy. Much Love!