My story, like many others, began with the use of painkillers.
Not that they were prescribed, they were just cheap and readily available. Thus starting my descent into madness. When pills were no longer available, I was down at the dope spot. I was never one of those people to do whatever drug I could get my hands on, I exclusively wanted to shoot heroin and forget anything else existed in my life.
There came a time when using became a full time job instead of being enjoyable. Exhaustion, not taking care of yourself, doing things you always promised YOURSELF you would never do. All the disappointment, failures and burned bridges.
In the 13 years of active opiate abuse, I have lost myself, or rather never even got to “know” who I am. I cannot tell you what its like to graduate school, go off to college, get married, have children, have a career or buy a home. I live my life the same exact way I did when I was 18, I am now 31.
I have restarted so many times and each time I had lost a bigger part of myself in the aftermath. There are days I believe I can do this thing they call recovery and other days I’m convinced that I will constantly struggle for the rest of my life. You must be self aware and try to dig deep to find the roots.
This beast that has grown within me was fed by loss, low self esteem and resentment. I wouldn’t wish this life on anyone, but its mine. Ive had a million chances and maybe I’ll have more… I refuse to give up.